Bantam Brother by James Ramsden

Friday 26 July, 2002

Bantam Brother Week Five

Its the final week in the big brother house. The remaining housemates are Ashley, Andy and Claus. There are no nominations this week, the public decides who wins - the prize, a lucrative contract for the winner.

Monday

It must be nerves, because as soon as the housemates awake at 4pm, they are straight on the wine. The housemates spent their entire £100 budget on alcohol - £50 on Blue Nun and £50 on Thunderbird. Full of confidence with his new haircut, Ashley is enjoying his last week in the house and instigating games to keep the housemates occupied. His latest game is called ' follow the Spam', which involves him downing a bottle of 'Nun', hiding a tin of Spam in Claus's bed, and then rummaging under the covers to find it. Rumours are that as soon as Ashley's wife saw this on TV, she broke down in tears and fled back to her mothers in Barnsley. Claus says nothing, but is now sporting a 1000 yard stare.

Tuesday

With nothing else to do, the housemates hit the bottle again. Its Claus's turn to be barmaker, and he invents a cocktail called ' Blue Thunder' - a combination of Thunderbird and surprisingly, Blue Nun. Due to the cocktail being named after the quality 1980's television series about a helicopter, the housemates play a drinking game. They have to lie on the floor and spin round like a propeller, whilst drinking their cocktail. After several go's, Ashley begins to get boisterous and starts spinning into the other housemates, hacking them down. When Andy does the same to Ashley, he pulls a massive strop, tells Claus that his game is rubbish, and announces that he is off to bed. Unknown to Ashley,stories of his tantrums make up just a small part of a middle page interview by his wife in the Daily Star, entitled ' Is Ashley coming out - the shocking truth'.

Wednesday

Andy makes everyone lunch. Ashley takes one look at it and storms off back into his room. It could be something to do with what was on the menu. When Andy was looking for his lost contact lenses in the bedroom, he came across a can of Spam, and thought it would make a perfect sandwich ingredient for his fellow housemates. Claus has gone off his food.

Thursday

Big brother calls everyone in from the garden and plays piped music into the lounge. This is because people from outside the house are calling over the fence. Ashley swears he heard people shouting his name - saying something like 'lower your age', and Andy heard someone shouting something about him grabbing a honey sock. Claus is the only one who heard the crowd shout 'lower your wage' to Ash, and 'money grabbing useless jock bastard' to Andy. As usual, the housemates hit the drinks again, this time Andy makes a cocktail that he calls Nun Thunder, no one finds it either funny or drinkable, so they go off to bed - spamless.

Friday

And its the big day. The housemates are trying on their eviction outfits. Ashley is going for a nice tightfitting shirt, with jeans which incorporate leather chaps (Versace). Claus is going to wear a grey, three piece suit, with matching white shirt and tie (Donna Karan) and Andy is wearing chino's and a T shirt (Primark). The housemates sit nervously on the sofa and wait for their fate. The Blue Nun is flowing as the first announcement is made...

First to walk is Andy. The public decided that although Andy was good for comedy value and initially tried hard to get on in the first few weeks, he is actually a bit of a tosser. He is owed too much money, an amount that far outweighs his worth, and he can also never be forgiven for his deliberate handball that cost 2 points. Andy leaves the house to the sound of boo's. He later tells Davina in his interview that he thinks he will be moving back up to Scotland if anyone will have him.

The remaining two housemates are Ashley and Claus, and although these two haven't been getting on lately, they form a huddle when the next announcement is made. 'Its bound to be me' says Claus, 'It probably is, no disrespect Claus, but you've never really made it at the top level' says Ash.

'Will Ashley please leave the big brother house'. Much to Ashley's surprise, its him that is evicted. The public decided that he earns too much, moans too much, misses the goal too much and is getting on a bit too much. Evicting Ashley will mean more wages for younger, fitter players - players that might actually be able to find the net. Andy leaves the house to a mixture of boos, polite applause and cheers from what looks like the Village People appreciation society. In an interview with Davina, Ashley says that he'd like to stay with Bradford, but understands that he is costing the club too much money. Some respect earnt there, but then he ruins things by going on to say that he is not prepared to lower his wages and he wants all the money owed to him - more boo's from the audience and a massive loss of respect for Ashley.

So then there was one! Claus Jorgenson is the winner of the lucrative contract and respect from the fans. He may be slightly weird looking and not as good at finishing as he is on Championship manager, but he tries hard. The public respect that even though he was dubbed as having 'the ability to beat 3 or 4 players', he couldn't get to show it because he was often played out of position. When he finally was put in his correct placing, he more often than not played a blinder. When interviewed by Davina, Claus states that he would love to play for the club, and thinks that when everything is sorted out, he thinks we are in with a real chance of success. He says that he is going to give his £70k prize money to GR so he can buy Alan Coombe. This is met by huge rapturous applause by the fans. No one notices Aiden Davison leaving the audience with his head bowed.

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So that's it for Bantam Brother 2002, its been great, but I sure as hell hope there isn't a new series next year!

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